I have a cold. A common or garden head cold complete with red nose, dry lips and super velocity sneezes that elicit the response from my husband, “Do you really NEED to do that?” Yes I do.
I’m always amazed at how down such a simple illness can make me feel from the scratchy throat and lead weight around my head to the heaviness in limbs and spirit. I know this will pass: it’s transient, insignificant, a nuisance at most but, maybe the most important aspect is giving me a ‘breathing space’. An oxymoron – and an interesting choice of word given I’m very aware of breathing with blocked airways and consequent dry mouth.
All this – and a cancelled session this morning – has given me that breathing space: and I hadn’t realised how much I was in need of that. I’ve been pinging from job to job to thought to thought and chasing opportunities – much like a bagatelle ball. I’m tired, and relishing a little enforced downtime without the guilt factor creeping in.
This little guiltless idleness has helped me understand and illuminate some tensions within which I’ve been avoiding or suppressing. My energy levels are not what they were – and I’ve never been a dynamo if I’m honest. More a short burst and retreat to recoup kind of existence. I’m realising how best to manage this to sustain me and, enable me to offer what I can in terms of DMP work and other activities. Also, what may need to be let go or change their emphasis. These things have been important, vital in many ways and led me to where I am now but, the passion is now waning and I can no longer include these in the same way I have done for 20 years.
I’m allowing these reflections to incubate and crystalise much as the cold virus invaded and multiplied in my body before exploding into consciousness. Thank you little germs – you have given me a germ of my own to grow and inspect and assess its possibilities to cure, heal or destroy, albeit constructively. This feels painful but necessary and I’m beginning to feel the beginnings of relief and a lighter mind.